Now, don't worry of losing your mobile contacts and stop paying to mobile operators for their backup services.
Now you can get back up of mobile contacts and get instant online access to your mobile contacts with ZYB. By signing up, you'll be able to store, manage and even share your mobile's contacts online with friends within minutes. No cables or downloads needed. Signing up is free. They may charge for some of their premium services.
Interested? Please click here.
(Please share your experience of this service for the benefit of all, in the comments section below)
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
How to get rid of credit card debt
(By www.personalfn.com)
Do you know a good credit record can help you get a job, make major purchases, and accomplish many short- and long-term goals?
A poor credit history can make it harder for you to rent an apartment, buy a car, or fulfill a dream. It is important to know how credit can change your spending power and how you can recognize the danger signs of credit and avoid serious problems.
The problem arises when people tend to use their credit card for almost every expenditure from grocery, accessories, entertainment to children's toys. Soon they find themselves facing a severe cash crunch, unable to pay back their card dues, and forced to borrow from friends and relatives.
There are several people out there who use their card like there's no financial tomorrow. Don't forget that as soon as you roll the bill over, the interest clock starts to tick.
Warning signs
Your card does not give you credit for free. And once you allow the outstandings to pile up, the sum can pose as much danger to your financial security. It's the same old addiction thing. You can get as addicted to irresponsible spending as you can to drugs or alcohol.
So, first admit that there's a problem. The symptoms are easy enough to detect: huge credit card statements, plenty of unused clothing and gizmos, a wallet full of ATM receipts and charge slips and, the worst, a savings bank account with no savings.
Credit cards can reduce your future buying power if you carry a balance and let finance charges build up.
You are in trouble if:
*You reach for your card automatically when you don't have cash.
*The monthly statement you receive has several expenses you could have avoided.
*You pay just the minimum due on your credit cards each month.
*You use the cash advances facility regularly, often to pay off other debts.
*You use one credit card to pay off the bills on another card.
If one or more of the above apply to you, you are headed for serious trouble. Still not convinced? Calculate the sums you paid over the years in credit dues, interest and late payment fees: they will add up to a fortune.
How can you get rid of your credit card debt?
Financial freedom can be yours if you exercise some willpower and take a few basic steps to eliminate debt.
*The first thing to do is get all your credit card bills together. For each account, write down the total balance and the minimum monthly payment required. Prioritize your repayment.
*The next step is to be sure you can make the minimum payments on your credit cards. Look at your spending and make cuts where you can to find the money to pay your credit card bills.
*Call the bank today and ask for a lower credit limit. Once that's done, you won't be able to charge as much on your card, and will be forced to use it only when absolutely necessary.
*If you have already used your card to the hilt, keep lowering the limit as and when you pay off the balance. Also if your interest liabilities are huge, consider transferring your balance to a low-interest card. The difference of even half a basis point in interest can save you a few thousand rupees in payments.
*Make it a priority to pay off your credit card bills. If need be, use your savings to bring your outstandings to zero. Once you eliminate the debt, make sure you pay your card dues in total each month.
*Don't put off settling your dues for another day. The more you delay, the more the bills will mount. 'Decide How Many Credit Cards You Need' and 'Decide How Much Credit Is Too Much.' Choose strategies to cut your debts as soon as possible.
*Pay off cards with the smallest balances first. Paying off cards with small balances gives you extra money to pay on the bigger balances. Once you pay off a bill, next month add the amount you have been paying to the check you write to your remaining creditors.
For example, let's say you pay Rs 350 a month on your Citibank account. Once it's paid off you can start adding Rs 650 to the check you write to pay your ICICI account. Then when you've paid off your VISA, add that amount, including the Rs 350 from the Citibank account, to the check you write to pay your MasterCard account, and so on until all the accounts are paid in full.
*Stop making new charges. If you have to, cut up your cards, hide them, or lock them in a drawer. The key to sticking to your credit card debt repayment plan is to stay flexible.
*If you find that you set unrealistic spending limits in the beginning, revise your spending plan the next month. Find one or two low-rate cards and cancel all the others. Switching from a high-rate credit card to a low-rate card can easily save you Rs 20,000 or more a year.
*Carry just what you need. Most people need only one or two credit cards one for purchases they pay off each month, and another for emergencies (or business purposes). Any more than that is usually overkill.
*Get some free stuff. If you're going to use it anyways, why not get something back for your trouble? If you consolidate your spending on one card, consider getting a 'rewards' card where you earn miles, stuff, or cash back on your spending. Look for a card that will award you stuff you'll actually use.
*Cash is usually a good option. Still, don't let your spending get out of control just so you can get a free travel bag or a few extra airline miles.
Other Interesting Readings:
How to get financially organized?
Married? 7 money tips you must know.
Do you know a good credit record can help you get a job, make major purchases, and accomplish many short- and long-term goals?
A poor credit history can make it harder for you to rent an apartment, buy a car, or fulfill a dream. It is important to know how credit can change your spending power and how you can recognize the danger signs of credit and avoid serious problems.
The problem arises when people tend to use their credit card for almost every expenditure from grocery, accessories, entertainment to children's toys. Soon they find themselves facing a severe cash crunch, unable to pay back their card dues, and forced to borrow from friends and relatives.
There are several people out there who use their card like there's no financial tomorrow. Don't forget that as soon as you roll the bill over, the interest clock starts to tick.
Warning signs
Your card does not give you credit for free. And once you allow the outstandings to pile up, the sum can pose as much danger to your financial security. It's the same old addiction thing. You can get as addicted to irresponsible spending as you can to drugs or alcohol.
So, first admit that there's a problem. The symptoms are easy enough to detect: huge credit card statements, plenty of unused clothing and gizmos, a wallet full of ATM receipts and charge slips and, the worst, a savings bank account with no savings.
Credit cards can reduce your future buying power if you carry a balance and let finance charges build up.
You are in trouble if:
*You reach for your card automatically when you don't have cash.
*The monthly statement you receive has several expenses you could have avoided.
*You pay just the minimum due on your credit cards each month.
*You use the cash advances facility regularly, often to pay off other debts.
*You use one credit card to pay off the bills on another card.
If one or more of the above apply to you, you are headed for serious trouble. Still not convinced? Calculate the sums you paid over the years in credit dues, interest and late payment fees: they will add up to a fortune.
How can you get rid of your credit card debt?
Financial freedom can be yours if you exercise some willpower and take a few basic steps to eliminate debt.
*The first thing to do is get all your credit card bills together. For each account, write down the total balance and the minimum monthly payment required. Prioritize your repayment.
*The next step is to be sure you can make the minimum payments on your credit cards. Look at your spending and make cuts where you can to find the money to pay your credit card bills.
*Call the bank today and ask for a lower credit limit. Once that's done, you won't be able to charge as much on your card, and will be forced to use it only when absolutely necessary.
*If you have already used your card to the hilt, keep lowering the limit as and when you pay off the balance. Also if your interest liabilities are huge, consider transferring your balance to a low-interest card. The difference of even half a basis point in interest can save you a few thousand rupees in payments.
*Make it a priority to pay off your credit card bills. If need be, use your savings to bring your outstandings to zero. Once you eliminate the debt, make sure you pay your card dues in total each month.
*Don't put off settling your dues for another day. The more you delay, the more the bills will mount. 'Decide How Many Credit Cards You Need' and 'Decide How Much Credit Is Too Much.' Choose strategies to cut your debts as soon as possible.
*Pay off cards with the smallest balances first. Paying off cards with small balances gives you extra money to pay on the bigger balances. Once you pay off a bill, next month add the amount you have been paying to the check you write to your remaining creditors.
For example, let's say you pay Rs 350 a month on your Citibank account. Once it's paid off you can start adding Rs 650 to the check you write to pay your ICICI account. Then when you've paid off your VISA, add that amount, including the Rs 350 from the Citibank account, to the check you write to pay your MasterCard account, and so on until all the accounts are paid in full.
*Stop making new charges. If you have to, cut up your cards, hide them, or lock them in a drawer. The key to sticking to your credit card debt repayment plan is to stay flexible.
*If you find that you set unrealistic spending limits in the beginning, revise your spending plan the next month. Find one or two low-rate cards and cancel all the others. Switching from a high-rate credit card to a low-rate card can easily save you Rs 20,000 or more a year.
*Carry just what you need. Most people need only one or two credit cards one for purchases they pay off each month, and another for emergencies (or business purposes). Any more than that is usually overkill.
*Get some free stuff. If you're going to use it anyways, why not get something back for your trouble? If you consolidate your spending on one card, consider getting a 'rewards' card where you earn miles, stuff, or cash back on your spending. Look for a card that will award you stuff you'll actually use.
*Cash is usually a good option. Still, don't let your spending get out of control just so you can get a free travel bag or a few extra airline miles.
Other Interesting Readings:
How to get financially organized?
Married? 7 money tips you must know.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Married? 7 money tips you must know
(By Nasreen Haque, www.rediff.com)
Managing finances is furthest from the mind when wedding bells are tolling. But, once the honeymoon is over and couples start the business of day-to-day living, money begins to matter.
And if you aren't in step with your partner when it comes to spending, savings and investment, money can become a major marital issue in a marriage.
Here are seven tips on how couples can avoid arguments over money and plan for a secure future together.
1. Set common objectives
Once married, you have to plan a common future with your partner. Agree on the broad goals: buying a home, children's education and marriage, and retirement.
Once you've agreed upon this, you can work out the details -- how big a house you want, how big a loan you can afford, and how much to save for the downpayment.
You may not see eye to eye with your spouse on many of these details, but they can be easily ironed out in pursuit of common objectives.
2. Share information
In many cases, it's usually one partner who plays the primary role in managing finances.
Nadish Bhatia, group accounts director, Lintas, takes the investment decisions for his family because his wife Deepika, who works at Mumbai's National Centre for Performing Arts, "is just not inclined towards it and believes that I will do a better job of it."
Regardless of who takes the decisions, both partners must discuss all investment and spending decisions and be equally aware of the shape of their finances.
Take the case of Ujjal and Aparna Bhattacharya, who have been married for five years and work in software and production engineering respectively.
While it's Ujjal who takes most of the financial decisions, he keeps Aparna in the loop as he thinks it fosters mutual understanding.
Responsible spending and accountability is a must for married people. Tell your spouse when you're spending something. You don't need to show him/ her your purse before you step out, but returning home with an LCD TV or a diamond ring one fine day without informing your spouse is a no-no.
3. Bank on togetherness
Do you need to keep separate bank accounts or go in for a joint one?
Separate accounts are good for couples who want a degree of independence and not be in one another's way all the time, which can be a liberating experience. But a joint account has distinct advantages. For one, it creates a sense of togetherness and unity, which is vital for a successful marriage.
There are some practical advantages as well. For instance, both partners can operate it to spend on household expenses. And, since all the records are in one place, it's easier to keep tabs on spending.
It's also helpful when either partner is irresponsible with the finances. You can immediately find out if your spouse has spent huge amounts and curtail such spending. Most couples we spoke to swore by a joint account for household expenses.
Another option is to take the middle path, and have separate accounts and a joint one for some expenses. You and your partner can decide on how much each puts into the joint account, depending on how much you earn and your monthly expenses. This way, you have a degree of independence while retaining that sense of togetherness.
Suparn Verma, debutant director of the just-released film Ek Khilaadi Ek Haseena, shares the household expenses with his wife Radhika, an HR consultant. The two put in a predetermined amount into a joint account that's used to meet expenses. "One of us may put in smaller amounts sometimes, but that's never been an issue between us. It's a marriage after all, not some business relationship," says Verma.
4. Manage differences
Often partners may have different investing styles. While you may be a high-risk, high-return investor, preferring to invest in stocks, real estate, company deposits and the like, your partner could be conservative and prefer safer options like bank and post office deposits.
Devang Shah, Mumbai-based certified financial planner, points out the example of a client who favoured the stockmarket, while his wife was into art.
Says Ujjal: "I go for the stock market when I want to invest, while my wife likes to play safe with LIC policies and fixed deposits. Of late, however, she has taken an interest in stocks and asked me to invest some of her money in them."
"It's not like it's your money or my money. It's our money and we are working towards making it grow. Ideally, there should be openness between partners. When one partner comes up with a smart idea, the other should be open to consider it. There shouldn't be any ego hassle," says Bhatia. "If you are able to complement each other financially and can help your partner in turning his or her dream into reality, then it's simply great!" he adds.
If conflicts do arise, the smart thing to do is to keep separate investment kitties. Shah says men and women may have unique investing styles. "Women have a holistic approach to financial planning, while men are keen on making fast gains," he says.
5. Talk while you spend
While partners look at many factors to figure out whether they are compatible or not -- physically, temperamentally, mentally -- financial compatibility is the last thing on their minds. Aparna, for example, feels that Ujjal sometimes spends too much. She balances it by saving a bulk of her earnings in low-risk options.
Says Shah: "Both partners should understand the financial decisions taken by them as a couple, since their implications are felt by both." He encourages his clients to visit him along with their spouses. An open talk with the financial advisor, he says, will "spur healthy discussions at home."
6. Stick to a budget
There are many advantages of having a monthly budget. The most important is that you can keep expenses in check and find out when you are straying from your financial roadmap. It also helps you stick to your savings target, since your spending has already been predetermined.
Network engineer Yezdi Rabadi and his fashion designer wife Amrita meticulously maintain an account of their monthly expenses and stick to a budget. "We fix a ceiling for our expenses. Though we exceed the figure more often than not, it allows us some kind of control over our money," says Rabadi.
7. Plan your estate
Estate planning is important for couples, says Shah. Make sure you have a will. Most people avoid making a will or procrastinate over it, causing problems for their successors.
In addition, name your spouse as a nominee for every investment you make individually. "Put your will in place and decide on a power of attorney for your spouse in case of untimely death. Most importantly, plan all this when you are in the best state of mind," says Shah.
Other Interesting Readings:
How to get financially organized?
Handling In-laws - Wife & Husband's perspectives.
Managing finances is furthest from the mind when wedding bells are tolling. But, once the honeymoon is over and couples start the business of day-to-day living, money begins to matter.
And if you aren't in step with your partner when it comes to spending, savings and investment, money can become a major marital issue in a marriage.
Here are seven tips on how couples can avoid arguments over money and plan for a secure future together.
1. Set common objectives
Once married, you have to plan a common future with your partner. Agree on the broad goals: buying a home, children's education and marriage, and retirement.
Once you've agreed upon this, you can work out the details -- how big a house you want, how big a loan you can afford, and how much to save for the downpayment.
You may not see eye to eye with your spouse on many of these details, but they can be easily ironed out in pursuit of common objectives.
2. Share information
In many cases, it's usually one partner who plays the primary role in managing finances.
Nadish Bhatia, group accounts director, Lintas, takes the investment decisions for his family because his wife Deepika, who works at Mumbai's National Centre for Performing Arts, "is just not inclined towards it and believes that I will do a better job of it."
Regardless of who takes the decisions, both partners must discuss all investment and spending decisions and be equally aware of the shape of their finances.
Take the case of Ujjal and Aparna Bhattacharya, who have been married for five years and work in software and production engineering respectively.
While it's Ujjal who takes most of the financial decisions, he keeps Aparna in the loop as he thinks it fosters mutual understanding.
Responsible spending and accountability is a must for married people. Tell your spouse when you're spending something. You don't need to show him/ her your purse before you step out, but returning home with an LCD TV or a diamond ring one fine day without informing your spouse is a no-no.
3. Bank on togetherness
Do you need to keep separate bank accounts or go in for a joint one?
Separate accounts are good for couples who want a degree of independence and not be in one another's way all the time, which can be a liberating experience. But a joint account has distinct advantages. For one, it creates a sense of togetherness and unity, which is vital for a successful marriage.
There are some practical advantages as well. For instance, both partners can operate it to spend on household expenses. And, since all the records are in one place, it's easier to keep tabs on spending.
It's also helpful when either partner is irresponsible with the finances. You can immediately find out if your spouse has spent huge amounts and curtail such spending. Most couples we spoke to swore by a joint account for household expenses.
Another option is to take the middle path, and have separate accounts and a joint one for some expenses. You and your partner can decide on how much each puts into the joint account, depending on how much you earn and your monthly expenses. This way, you have a degree of independence while retaining that sense of togetherness.
Suparn Verma, debutant director of the just-released film Ek Khilaadi Ek Haseena, shares the household expenses with his wife Radhika, an HR consultant. The two put in a predetermined amount into a joint account that's used to meet expenses. "One of us may put in smaller amounts sometimes, but that's never been an issue between us. It's a marriage after all, not some business relationship," says Verma.
4. Manage differences
Often partners may have different investing styles. While you may be a high-risk, high-return investor, preferring to invest in stocks, real estate, company deposits and the like, your partner could be conservative and prefer safer options like bank and post office deposits.
Devang Shah, Mumbai-based certified financial planner, points out the example of a client who favoured the stockmarket, while his wife was into art.
Says Ujjal: "I go for the stock market when I want to invest, while my wife likes to play safe with LIC policies and fixed deposits. Of late, however, she has taken an interest in stocks and asked me to invest some of her money in them."
"It's not like it's your money or my money. It's our money and we are working towards making it grow. Ideally, there should be openness between partners. When one partner comes up with a smart idea, the other should be open to consider it. There shouldn't be any ego hassle," says Bhatia. "If you are able to complement each other financially and can help your partner in turning his or her dream into reality, then it's simply great!" he adds.
If conflicts do arise, the smart thing to do is to keep separate investment kitties. Shah says men and women may have unique investing styles. "Women have a holistic approach to financial planning, while men are keen on making fast gains," he says.
5. Talk while you spend
While partners look at many factors to figure out whether they are compatible or not -- physically, temperamentally, mentally -- financial compatibility is the last thing on their minds. Aparna, for example, feels that Ujjal sometimes spends too much. She balances it by saving a bulk of her earnings in low-risk options.
Says Shah: "Both partners should understand the financial decisions taken by them as a couple, since their implications are felt by both." He encourages his clients to visit him along with their spouses. An open talk with the financial advisor, he says, will "spur healthy discussions at home."
6. Stick to a budget
There are many advantages of having a monthly budget. The most important is that you can keep expenses in check and find out when you are straying from your financial roadmap. It also helps you stick to your savings target, since your spending has already been predetermined.
Network engineer Yezdi Rabadi and his fashion designer wife Amrita meticulously maintain an account of their monthly expenses and stick to a budget. "We fix a ceiling for our expenses. Though we exceed the figure more often than not, it allows us some kind of control over our money," says Rabadi.
7. Plan your estate
Estate planning is important for couples, says Shah. Make sure you have a will. Most people avoid making a will or procrastinate over it, causing problems for their successors.
In addition, name your spouse as a nominee for every investment you make individually. "Put your will in place and decide on a power of attorney for your spouse in case of untimely death. Most importantly, plan all this when you are in the best state of mind," says Shah.
Other Interesting Readings:
How to get financially organized?
Handling In-laws - Wife & Husband's perspectives.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Body language tips for your date
(By Veyoleen Mehrotra, www.rediff.com)
Ever been on a date where you get the feeling you're invisible? It's the feeling you get watching your partner check out every man or woman walking by. It could have been subtle, but you may have noticed anyway.
If the lack of interest is obvious, leave. Why invest time and effort in something that isn't going to pan out?
Our everyday interactions are filled with non-verbal signs -- also known as body language. And, in the world of dating, understanding this communication can be a huge asset.
Alan D'Souza, a 22-year old psychology major from Pune, relies heavily on these 'vibes'. "If she leans in while having a conversation, you know you're doing something right," he says. "I tend to look at my date and what she does with her hands. This is because the part of the brain that controls the motor skills of your hands is right next to the portion that controls your speech."
To help those who do not have Alan's insights, here's what you should watch out for.
Reading the senses
They say your eyes are windows to your soul. Sounds like a clich, but it may be true, at least on a date. You can look into your date's eyes and read if they show interest in you, or if they betray a sign that your date is praying for a natural calamity to get out of the situation.
Gaurish Korgaonkar, a 25-year old marketing executive based in Mumbai, relies on eye contact. "Of course, someone who is shy will need a little prodding and take time to relax. Once relaxed, however, constant eye contact is vital."
Restless eyes are not promising -- the kind that constantly scan surroundings and fail to settle on you. On the other hand, a touch on the arm is a big leap forward -- a sign that your date is comfortable with you. Alan believes that any kind of touch communicates interest. She could be running her hands through her hair, for instance, in a way that says she wants to look appealing and make a good impression.
Jaya Bodke, a 28-year old who works at a bank in Mumbai, finds this behaviour common in men as well as women. Men like to draw attention by adjusting their clothing, thus drawing attention to their bodies.
A smile can say a lot
Next to eye contact, a smile is the most important non-verbal sign we send out or receive on a date. It is our reaction to any pleasurable stimuli and is a no-brainer. A blank face or forced smile in response to your jokes is discouraging. It can make you feel like a performer whose act has fallen flat and is now afraid to step under the spotlight.
Silence isn't always golden
Pregnant pauses could have two meanings. They are good if combined with a lot of eye contact and smiles. They are bad if your date is constantly fidgeting or keen on finishing dinner and making a run for it.
If your attempts at conversation are met with monosyllables, you could be headed for disaster. Jaya believes interest can be judged by participation. A lazy response could mean your personalities don't match. A lively conversation usually involves a lot of emphasising through gestures and facial expressions.
In a tearing hurry?
Compared to the other signs, this is more subtle. According to Shubham Saraf, 26, who works in Mumbai's hospitality industry, a date's reluctance to leave is one of the most positive signs. Even taking your time to order means you want to prolong your time together. Making impromptu plans to extend your time is also encouraging.
Observe and learn
While these are some of the signs commonly sent out and interpreted, there are many others that come into play, depending on the situation and persons involved. Moreover, while on a first date, it is unlikely that the two of you will hit it off instantly. You need to give it some time and not let a sign or two discourage you.
Alan recollects a date where things were headed downhill. "It was clear we had nothing in common; she kept staring at everything but me," he says. "That is until we began talking about our friends. We soon realised that, although we had no common hobbies, we had similar personalities. As the evening progressed, she started looking me in the eye, smiling, leaning in and using her hands to gesture."
A little effort and things certainly clicked for them -- she called Alan the next day!
While all these signs are insightful and offer an excellent advantage, exercise caution when drawing your conclusions. Arms crossed over one's chest could be an attempt to warm oneself, rather than a gesture of defensiveness or discomfort.
All theories on non-verbal communication clearly advise against using just one sign to judge. Remember to take into account the external environment and other influential factors. However, don't forget to relax and enjoy your time together. The rest will take care of itself.
Other Interesting Readings:
Want to Speak Good English?
How to Get Financially organized?
Handling in-laws - Wife and Husband's Perspectives.
Ever been on a date where you get the feeling you're invisible? It's the feeling you get watching your partner check out every man or woman walking by. It could have been subtle, but you may have noticed anyway.
If the lack of interest is obvious, leave. Why invest time and effort in something that isn't going to pan out?
Our everyday interactions are filled with non-verbal signs -- also known as body language. And, in the world of dating, understanding this communication can be a huge asset.
Alan D'Souza, a 22-year old psychology major from Pune, relies heavily on these 'vibes'. "If she leans in while having a conversation, you know you're doing something right," he says. "I tend to look at my date and what she does with her hands. This is because the part of the brain that controls the motor skills of your hands is right next to the portion that controls your speech."
To help those who do not have Alan's insights, here's what you should watch out for.
Reading the senses
They say your eyes are windows to your soul. Sounds like a clich, but it may be true, at least on a date. You can look into your date's eyes and read if they show interest in you, or if they betray a sign that your date is praying for a natural calamity to get out of the situation.
Gaurish Korgaonkar, a 25-year old marketing executive based in Mumbai, relies on eye contact. "Of course, someone who is shy will need a little prodding and take time to relax. Once relaxed, however, constant eye contact is vital."
Restless eyes are not promising -- the kind that constantly scan surroundings and fail to settle on you. On the other hand, a touch on the arm is a big leap forward -- a sign that your date is comfortable with you. Alan believes that any kind of touch communicates interest. She could be running her hands through her hair, for instance, in a way that says she wants to look appealing and make a good impression.
Jaya Bodke, a 28-year old who works at a bank in Mumbai, finds this behaviour common in men as well as women. Men like to draw attention by adjusting their clothing, thus drawing attention to their bodies.
A smile can say a lot
Next to eye contact, a smile is the most important non-verbal sign we send out or receive on a date. It is our reaction to any pleasurable stimuli and is a no-brainer. A blank face or forced smile in response to your jokes is discouraging. It can make you feel like a performer whose act has fallen flat and is now afraid to step under the spotlight.
Silence isn't always golden
Pregnant pauses could have two meanings. They are good if combined with a lot of eye contact and smiles. They are bad if your date is constantly fidgeting or keen on finishing dinner and making a run for it.
If your attempts at conversation are met with monosyllables, you could be headed for disaster. Jaya believes interest can be judged by participation. A lazy response could mean your personalities don't match. A lively conversation usually involves a lot of emphasising through gestures and facial expressions.
In a tearing hurry?
Compared to the other signs, this is more subtle. According to Shubham Saraf, 26, who works in Mumbai's hospitality industry, a date's reluctance to leave is one of the most positive signs. Even taking your time to order means you want to prolong your time together. Making impromptu plans to extend your time is also encouraging.
Observe and learn
While these are some of the signs commonly sent out and interpreted, there are many others that come into play, depending on the situation and persons involved. Moreover, while on a first date, it is unlikely that the two of you will hit it off instantly. You need to give it some time and not let a sign or two discourage you.
Alan recollects a date where things were headed downhill. "It was clear we had nothing in common; she kept staring at everything but me," he says. "That is until we began talking about our friends. We soon realised that, although we had no common hobbies, we had similar personalities. As the evening progressed, she started looking me in the eye, smiling, leaning in and using her hands to gesture."
A little effort and things certainly clicked for them -- she called Alan the next day!
While all these signs are insightful and offer an excellent advantage, exercise caution when drawing your conclusions. Arms crossed over one's chest could be an attempt to warm oneself, rather than a gesture of defensiveness or discomfort.
All theories on non-verbal communication clearly advise against using just one sign to judge. Remember to take into account the external environment and other influential factors. However, don't forget to relax and enjoy your time together. The rest will take care of itself.
Other Interesting Readings:
Want to Speak Good English?
How to Get Financially organized?
Handling in-laws - Wife and Husband's Perspectives.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Festival Offers.
In this festive season, many companies are offering discounts / special price etc. on their products in order to increase their sales. I have come to know about the following offers being made:
(1) MTNL (Delhi) is giving upto 40% extra talk time on its Trump recharge coupons of Rs. 675, 1125, 1785, 2250 and 2700. For details, click here.
(2) ICICI Bank has launched cashback scheme for its Credit Card Customers. For details click here.
If you are aware of any others offers, please give the details in the comments section below for the benefit of all.
(1) MTNL (Delhi) is giving upto 40% extra talk time on its Trump recharge coupons of Rs. 675, 1125, 1785, 2250 and 2700. For details, click here.
(2) ICICI Bank has launched cashback scheme for its Credit Card Customers. For details click here.
If you are aware of any others offers, please give the details in the comments section below for the benefit of all.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Want to speak good English?
(By Rukmini Iyer, www.rediff.com)
We generally associate language with communication. However, the repercussions of having language skills, or lacking them, go way beyond communication. Our command over the language we communicate in everyday determines how confident we are about presenting ourselves. It even reflects in our body language and self esteem.
Being fluent in English is important, considering it is the universal language of business communication. For those looking to improve their skills, here are a few tips.
Listen
As a baby, you began learning your mother tongue simply by listening and observing. This is the most natural method of learning a language. If you think grammar and rules of syntax bog you down, go back to the primal mode of learning -- listen and observe.
Be alert when you listen to someone speaking English, be it at your workplace, at a party or on television. Watch out for common expressions and usages. If you are able to grasp regularly used ways of greeting and small talk, you will be able to initiate speaking more confidently. Start noting simple things: If you meet someone at a party, do you always end up saying, 'Hi! Nice meeting you...'?
How about introducing variations here? Observe how others talk and try varying your greeting. Why not try saying 'How do you do?' or 'How are you doing?' Greetings and introduction lines may seem trivial, but if you are not fluent in a language, you often tend to avoid even these, thus ending all prospects of communication. If you can break this barrier, you can take your first step into the realm of English speaking.
Read
While listening to English speakers definitely helps, it is important to read if you wish to expedite the process of improving. Most people are put off by this because they associate reading with big, literary books. However, what we are talking about is reading anything and everything written in correct English. Therefore, your range of choices could extend from comic strips to newspaper articles, gadget manuals to movie reviews.
While reading, try and get a feel of the language and usage of words. More importantly, note the use of articles (a, an, the) and prepositions (in, on, at, from, into, over, under, etc) as these are areas where the most common errors are committed.
Improve your vocabulary
We are not asking you to learn the dictionary by rote! Can you commit yourself to learning two new words a day? You could come across these anywhere -- while reading, on a news channel, on a sign at the shopping mall, on a billboard, etc. Make the effort to look up the exact meaning of the word in the dictionary, instead of adopting the easier route of understanding the meaning from the context.
If possible, maintain a book where you can note down the new words everyday, along with the context, so you remember them better. Write down the dictionary meaning and also frame a sentence using the word, so it is now registered in your memory. Go through this book periodically to refresh your memory and use the words in your conversations, emails and letters. A few minutes each way, coupled with an eye for observation and an ear for new words is all it takes to improve your vocabulary.
You could also subscribe to services like dictionary.com that will e-mail a new word every day; this mail will include both the dictionary meanings and usage in sentences.
Prepare for small talk
Speaking English fluently is not just about making corporate presentations and giving long speeches. It is about expressing your views on the most mundane of things. How often do you meet a new person and face an awkward silence after the initial greeting because you don't know what to talk about? Worse, you may wish to initiate a conversation but may not be confident of putting something across correctly.
The ability to make small talk is very important in business and social conversations. Topics for casual conversation could include the weather, sports, current affairs, arts, hobbies, travel, etc. Read up on your area of interest and try framing sentences expressing your opinions. Talk about it with someone close to you so you can check for grammatical accuracy.
Then, gradually build up on your repertoire of conversational topics and start using them whenever you get a chance. Of course, when you talk, do not make it sound like a speech you have learnt by heart. Induce a casual tone and adapt to the occasion.
Make mistakes
Can you learn swimming by standing at the edge of the pool? You have to take the plunge, right? It is the same with language. Unless you use the language, you will never know how good you are at it.
Ask a few people close to you who are good at English to help. Make them interrupt you whenever you make a mistake and ask them to correct you. Be open to feedback. Do not be embarrassed to make mistakes, for that is the only way you will learn. That is how the process of acquiring fluency a language occurs. As a child, you may have made a lot of mistakes before getting a good grasp of your mother tongue. The only difference now is that you are conscious of the mistakes.
Books on grammar are a good supplement to strengthen your command over the language. The good old Wren and Martin for grammar and Word Power by Norman Louis for vocabulary should also help. A lot of web sites including EnglishPage, Grammar Book, Better-English, etc will help you augment your skills.
Finally, all you need is a will to learn and the initiative to begin. That done, it is simply a matter of time and effort!
(Rukmini Iyer is a corporate trainer and instructional designer. She writes regularly on business etiquette, communication, language enhancement and grooming. )
We generally associate language with communication. However, the repercussions of having language skills, or lacking them, go way beyond communication. Our command over the language we communicate in everyday determines how confident we are about presenting ourselves. It even reflects in our body language and self esteem.
Being fluent in English is important, considering it is the universal language of business communication. For those looking to improve their skills, here are a few tips.
Listen
As a baby, you began learning your mother tongue simply by listening and observing. This is the most natural method of learning a language. If you think grammar and rules of syntax bog you down, go back to the primal mode of learning -- listen and observe.
Be alert when you listen to someone speaking English, be it at your workplace, at a party or on television. Watch out for common expressions and usages. If you are able to grasp regularly used ways of greeting and small talk, you will be able to initiate speaking more confidently. Start noting simple things: If you meet someone at a party, do you always end up saying, 'Hi! Nice meeting you...'?
How about introducing variations here? Observe how others talk and try varying your greeting. Why not try saying 'How do you do?' or 'How are you doing?' Greetings and introduction lines may seem trivial, but if you are not fluent in a language, you often tend to avoid even these, thus ending all prospects of communication. If you can break this barrier, you can take your first step into the realm of English speaking.
Read
While listening to English speakers definitely helps, it is important to read if you wish to expedite the process of improving. Most people are put off by this because they associate reading with big, literary books. However, what we are talking about is reading anything and everything written in correct English. Therefore, your range of choices could extend from comic strips to newspaper articles, gadget manuals to movie reviews.
While reading, try and get a feel of the language and usage of words. More importantly, note the use of articles (a, an, the) and prepositions (in, on, at, from, into, over, under, etc) as these are areas where the most common errors are committed.
Improve your vocabulary
We are not asking you to learn the dictionary by rote! Can you commit yourself to learning two new words a day? You could come across these anywhere -- while reading, on a news channel, on a sign at the shopping mall, on a billboard, etc. Make the effort to look up the exact meaning of the word in the dictionary, instead of adopting the easier route of understanding the meaning from the context.
If possible, maintain a book where you can note down the new words everyday, along with the context, so you remember them better. Write down the dictionary meaning and also frame a sentence using the word, so it is now registered in your memory. Go through this book periodically to refresh your memory and use the words in your conversations, emails and letters. A few minutes each way, coupled with an eye for observation and an ear for new words is all it takes to improve your vocabulary.
You could also subscribe to services like dictionary.com that will e-mail a new word every day; this mail will include both the dictionary meanings and usage in sentences.
Prepare for small talk
Speaking English fluently is not just about making corporate presentations and giving long speeches. It is about expressing your views on the most mundane of things. How often do you meet a new person and face an awkward silence after the initial greeting because you don't know what to talk about? Worse, you may wish to initiate a conversation but may not be confident of putting something across correctly.
The ability to make small talk is very important in business and social conversations. Topics for casual conversation could include the weather, sports, current affairs, arts, hobbies, travel, etc. Read up on your area of interest and try framing sentences expressing your opinions. Talk about it with someone close to you so you can check for grammatical accuracy.
Then, gradually build up on your repertoire of conversational topics and start using them whenever you get a chance. Of course, when you talk, do not make it sound like a speech you have learnt by heart. Induce a casual tone and adapt to the occasion.
Make mistakes
Can you learn swimming by standing at the edge of the pool? You have to take the plunge, right? It is the same with language. Unless you use the language, you will never know how good you are at it.
Ask a few people close to you who are good at English to help. Make them interrupt you whenever you make a mistake and ask them to correct you. Be open to feedback. Do not be embarrassed to make mistakes, for that is the only way you will learn. That is how the process of acquiring fluency a language occurs. As a child, you may have made a lot of mistakes before getting a good grasp of your mother tongue. The only difference now is that you are conscious of the mistakes.
Books on grammar are a good supplement to strengthen your command over the language. The good old Wren and Martin for grammar and Word Power by Norman Louis for vocabulary should also help. A lot of web sites including EnglishPage, Grammar Book, Better-English, etc will help you augment your skills.
Finally, all you need is a will to learn and the initiative to begin. That done, it is simply a matter of time and effort!
(Rukmini Iyer is a corporate trainer and instructional designer. She writes regularly on business etiquette, communication, language enhancement and grooming. )
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
The Great Sensex Challenge
Moneycontrol.com presents the Great Sensex Challenge. You can win cash.
** Guess today's exact Sensex closing figure right down to the decimal, and you can win the jackpot amount.
**Guess the last decimal digit of the Sensex closing value and you can win Rs.1000* if the first guess is correct, Rs.400* and Rs.200* for the second and third guesses. *Conditions Apply.
Isn't it great?
Interested in trying your luck? You may make some money. Click here.
** Guess today's exact Sensex closing figure right down to the decimal, and you can win the jackpot amount.
**Guess the last decimal digit of the Sensex closing value and you can win Rs.1000* if the first guess is correct, Rs.400* and Rs.200* for the second and third guesses. *Conditions Apply.
Isn't it great?
Interested in trying your luck? You may make some money. Click here.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Tips & Guide
(3.) Growth/Dividend Option : Tax Saving Mutual Funds (ELSS) have a lock in period of 3 years, i.e., one cannot withdraw before the completion of 3 years. Therefore, choose Dividend Option if u want to receive some money (thru dividend) before 3 years. If u do not need money before 3 years, you can choose Growth Option.
(2.) Tracking NAVs of Mutual Funds : After signing up at http://www.valueresearchonline.com/ , one can create his portfolio entering the details of purchase/sale of Mutual Funds. Once the details have been entered, one can track the NAVs, profit/loss etc. on daily basis. All this is for Free.
---
(2.) Tracking NAVs of Mutual Funds : After signing up at http://www.valueresearchonline.com/ , one can create his portfolio entering the details of purchase/sale of Mutual Funds. Once the details have been entered, one can track the NAVs, profit/loss etc. on daily basis. All this is for Free.
(1.) Investment in Mutual Funds to save tax : Before investing in Mutual Funds, one should understand the risks involved in Mutual Funds. Though there are several websites on mutual funds, I think the following are the best:
(a) www.valueresearchonline.com
(b) www.personalfn.com
By visiting the above websites regularly, one can learn how to invest in mutual funds wisely.
(a) www.valueresearchonline.com
(b) www.personalfn.com
By visiting the above websites regularly, one can learn how to invest in mutual funds wisely.
---
Friday, September 22, 2006
Handling in-laws: The wife's perspective
(By Richa Pant, www.rediff.com)
Dealing with in-laws can prove tricky for both, men and women. However, sharing a good relationship with your in-laws is vital. For one, if you live with them, you will be spending a lot of time with them. Secondly, they will be instrumental in instilling values in your children. Last, but not least, excessively involved or detached in-laws can put pressure on a marriage.
A good rapport with the in-laws, then, is always a boon. "It can be especially tough in the first year of marriage. But, with a mix of tact, straightforwardness and 'healthy selfishness', it is definitely possible to deal with them successfully," says Anjali Singh, a 27-year old manager with a finance company in Delhi, who has been married for three years.
First, let's look at issues that crop up and affect the wife.
The mother-in-law
According to psychologists, tension between a wife and mother-in-law results when both of you start 'competing' (albeit subconsciously) for the affection of the same man. This causes the most problems in marriages. The wife is not seen as the 'first' woman in the man's life. There may sometimes even be a somewhat emotionally claustrophobic relationship between a mother and her son.
"This is not to say that all men are 'mama's boys', but a majority of Indian men do have this type of conditioning," says Anjali. Handling an overbearing, controlling and manipulative mom-in-law can be difficult. So, what do you do if your mom-in-law is possessive or bossy? One way of dealing with this is to let your dear husband know she upsets you and let him deal with it.
Your husband's role
'Why him', you may ask? "My mom-in-law, who lives with us, is a major source of disharmony. It's not just what she does or says but, more importantly, how your husband reacts to it. Does he back you up, put his family first, etc," says Radha Sharma*, 29, assistant manager at an insurance company in Delhi.
A rule of thumb when dealing with in-laws: the husband should deal with his family, the wife with hers. This is so because families can easily forgive their own family members, not an 'outsider' (as you may still be perceived). So, instead of dealing with your spouse's family directly, talk it over with your husband and do your best to win his support and understanding.
If you are strong-willed and fiercely independent
It's possible you may not be your in-laws' 'dream bahu'. They may find you too ambitious and less 'homely' than they hoped. "I am an independent woman who, after marriage, had to keep my mouth shut just to maintain the peace. It wasn't easy being bullied and pushed into a corner," says Radha.
Anjali suggests a solution she utilised. "Try explaining to them how important your career is to you, and that, by pressurising you to only be a homemaker or behave in a certain way, they are hurting you. Share the details of your job with them so they feel involved in your life in every way, which could also help them be more empathetic towards you."
Joint family: How to divide chores
Traditionally, housework isn't considered work -- only something a woman is required to do compulsorily. Thus, few people in the family appreciate what a woman does for the home or understands why she seems tired and irritable. The timetable of a working mom can be choc-a-bloc. "A typical day starts at 5 am and ends late at night. The hard work was intensified by the pressures of demanding in-laws and children, not to mention deadlines that had to be met at work," says Radha.
Working women, especially, are in a state of continuous stress, which shows up in symptoms like fatigue, feeling irritable, headaches, body aches and gastro-intestinal problems. Obviously, the correct treatment is to reduce the burden on the working mother. "Here, the family, particularly the spouse, plays the most important role. Helping your working wife out with domestic chores and sharing the burden of parenting can really help," says Rishi Gupta, 29, who has a 5-year old son and shares as many responsibilities with his wife as he can. "Discuss with your own partner the role/responsibilities you would like your in-laws to take too," he adds.
Setting boundaries
Making a list of 'non-negotiables' can help a young couple deal with an extended family. "My husband and I had an inter-caste marriage, which his parents were against. We found that the best way to keep relations positive was to limit the number of visits we have with them and the time spent during those visits. Even though we felt bad about it initially, our relations have improved since then," says Manisha Thakur, 26.
Anjali adds, "Keeping personal topics out of bounds helps improve in-law relations too. My husband and I have a 'no-telling policy' when it comes to personal information that we feel can be used to control our lives. We simply avoid discussing subjects about which they could form a strong opinion."
Your in-laws could be anxious too
Even though a son's marriage is one of the most joyous moments in any parent's life, they also realise there is another person in his life who is going to be the centre of his attention. Sometimes, this can make parents feel vulnerable and be on the defensive, even without provocation. "Maybe this is why some mothers-in-law don't allow their daughters-in-law inside the kitchen for a long time as they are afraid of 'losing control'," feels Anjali. "Trust will take time to develop, but you must try and bridge the distance yourself."
How to build bridges
**Forge a strong bond with your husband. Sincerely focus on your relationship with your spouse and do whatever you can to strengthen your bond with him. Communication is the key. Also, try not to criticise your spouse's relationship with his parents, as it may only lead to bitterness
**Make an effort to know more about your in-laws, their lifestyle, and what they consider to be acceptable behaviour.
**Forge a personal bond with your in-laws. Try a few activities together and you may find that you have more in common with them than you thought.
**Be polite. "This doesn't mean you have to change your personality to please your in-laws, simply respect rules and traditions that are important to the older generation," says Manisha.
**If an in-law doesn't react positively to your well-intended gestures or comments, don't take it personally. "Just let it go when it happens. Then discuss solutions with your partner later," says Anjali.
**Consider alternatives. Try to compromise and be flexible, rather than not budging.
**Don't be swayed by stereotypes. Make an effort to observe and understand your in-laws, then deal with the situation.
**You might feel like an intruder in the house initially, but give it a few months and endear yourself to the family before making decisions or changes in the house. "If you act as if you're the boss right from the first day, your mother-in-law will definitely resent it," says Manisha.
**Take your in-laws out shopping and eat out with them once in a while. Laughter is a great binding agent, so rent DVDs of a few comedies and watch them together. Go over old photo albums together in your spare time.
The bottom line? If you have wonderful in-laws, give them a great big hug. If you don't, remember that you're not alone. Remain positive and try making the best out of your situation.
Husband's Perspective
Let's say you married recently, or plan to tie the knot in the near future.
Either way, welcoming your wife into her new home could prove to be tricky. You need to make her feel comfortable, while making sure you don't neglect your parents. Your new bride may feel intimidated by her in-laws during the transition, and this could lead to conflict. If this sounds worrying, relax. There's a lot you can do to bridge the gap.
First, identify the main problem areas that lead to in-law trouble. One, intrusiveness. "Some parents might meddle unintentionally, making the couple feel smothered or controlled. Even though they think they are demonstrating their love, they are not allowing the couple enough breathing space," says Dr Kanchan Misra, a Lucknow-based psychologist. "Some in-laws have difficulty letting go of their parental roles and offer unwanted advice," she continues. On the other hand, emotional distance could prove to be an issue. "Some parents seem cold, emotionally unavailable, or unfriendly," she adds.
Your role
"Let your parents know that you care, respect and love them. At the same time, be clear that you want to set the rules for your new family as well," says Anjali Singh, a 27-year old who has been married for three years. "When dealing with in-laws, it is preferable that the husband deal with his family, and the wife with hers. This is so because families can easily forgive their own family members," says Dr Misra, reiterating what other experts have often said.
Immediate family comes first
Sometimes, it is hard to achieve both objectives -- if a husband pleases his wife, he annoys his parents. If he tries to please his parents, his wife is displeased. The solution is to try and be objective.
"If your family is causing your spouse difficulty, you should confront family members involved and request them to stop. If they refuse, or aren't able to do so, protect your spouse and family unit by stepping away from those members and limiting your contact with them. Your spouse and immediate family come first. If the friction becomes unmanageable for some reason, it may be easier if the young couple have their own home," feels Dr Misra.
By giving your spouse and your marriage priority, you are choosing the adult role of being a husband over your role as a child in your parent's family. This gives your wife confidence in the marriage and encourages her to maintain good family ties. "I regard it as my duty to act as a buffer between my parents and wife. She shouldn't have to defend our personal decisions to my parents," agrees Girish Thakur, 29, married for the last three years.
Make the ground rules
Discuss ways to guard the privacy of your marriage with your wife, while maintaining close ties with the extended family. The following concerns should be addressed:
*When do you and your wife have exclusive time for each other?
*When do you spend time with your extended family?
*When do you involve your parents/in-laws in decision-making?
*Where should you discuss your marital conflicts: in private or in front of your in-laws?
"Don't allow room for your relatives and friends to interfere between the two of you. Try solving your problems among yourselves as much as possible. Avoid sharing the secrets of your household with friends or close relatives," says Dr Misra.
Bring your wife and parents closer
*Strengthen your role as a spouse. "Intrusiveness and other issues can be furthered by a spouse who is unaware or unwilling to deal with the problems," says Dr Misra. Although both you and your spouse love your parents, you must be more aligned with each other.
*"When arriving at a solution to your problems, be gentle but honest with your parents," says Girish.
*Decide, with your spouse, on the amount of time and money you give to each other's parents, and review your agreement as your parents/in-laws' requirements change.
*"Treat each other's parents as fairly as possible," says Dr Misra.
*Find mutually acceptable methods for each other's parents to get time with your children.
*Avoid making your spouse choose between her family and yourself.
*Assist in household responsibilities. "Discuss with your wife the role/responsibilities you would like yourself and your parents to take too, so she is not overburdened," says Rishi Gupta, 29, who has a 5-year old son and shares as many responsibilities with his wife as he can.
*Establishing boundaries and making a list of 'non-negotiables' can help a young couple deal with extended family.
*Make sure your wife gets to spend quality time with your parents. If you live away from your parents, make an effort to visit and call them often so your wife can get to know them.
*Make it a point to get on with her parents too. "Show respect and warm hospitality to your wife's family and friends," says Girish. Make an effort to get to know more about your in-laws. Visit or call them regularly.
Dealing with in-laws can prove tricky for both, men and women. However, sharing a good relationship with your in-laws is vital. For one, if you live with them, you will be spending a lot of time with them. Secondly, they will be instrumental in instilling values in your children. Last, but not least, excessively involved or detached in-laws can put pressure on a marriage.
A good rapport with the in-laws, then, is always a boon. "It can be especially tough in the first year of marriage. But, with a mix of tact, straightforwardness and 'healthy selfishness', it is definitely possible to deal with them successfully," says Anjali Singh, a 27-year old manager with a finance company in Delhi, who has been married for three years.
First, let's look at issues that crop up and affect the wife.
The mother-in-law
According to psychologists, tension between a wife and mother-in-law results when both of you start 'competing' (albeit subconsciously) for the affection of the same man. This causes the most problems in marriages. The wife is not seen as the 'first' woman in the man's life. There may sometimes even be a somewhat emotionally claustrophobic relationship between a mother and her son.
"This is not to say that all men are 'mama's boys', but a majority of Indian men do have this type of conditioning," says Anjali. Handling an overbearing, controlling and manipulative mom-in-law can be difficult. So, what do you do if your mom-in-law is possessive or bossy? One way of dealing with this is to let your dear husband know she upsets you and let him deal with it.
Your husband's role
'Why him', you may ask? "My mom-in-law, who lives with us, is a major source of disharmony. It's not just what she does or says but, more importantly, how your husband reacts to it. Does he back you up, put his family first, etc," says Radha Sharma*, 29, assistant manager at an insurance company in Delhi.
A rule of thumb when dealing with in-laws: the husband should deal with his family, the wife with hers. This is so because families can easily forgive their own family members, not an 'outsider' (as you may still be perceived). So, instead of dealing with your spouse's family directly, talk it over with your husband and do your best to win his support and understanding.
If you are strong-willed and fiercely independent
It's possible you may not be your in-laws' 'dream bahu'. They may find you too ambitious and less 'homely' than they hoped. "I am an independent woman who, after marriage, had to keep my mouth shut just to maintain the peace. It wasn't easy being bullied and pushed into a corner," says Radha.
Anjali suggests a solution she utilised. "Try explaining to them how important your career is to you, and that, by pressurising you to only be a homemaker or behave in a certain way, they are hurting you. Share the details of your job with them so they feel involved in your life in every way, which could also help them be more empathetic towards you."
Joint family: How to divide chores
Traditionally, housework isn't considered work -- only something a woman is required to do compulsorily. Thus, few people in the family appreciate what a woman does for the home or understands why she seems tired and irritable. The timetable of a working mom can be choc-a-bloc. "A typical day starts at 5 am and ends late at night. The hard work was intensified by the pressures of demanding in-laws and children, not to mention deadlines that had to be met at work," says Radha.
Working women, especially, are in a state of continuous stress, which shows up in symptoms like fatigue, feeling irritable, headaches, body aches and gastro-intestinal problems. Obviously, the correct treatment is to reduce the burden on the working mother. "Here, the family, particularly the spouse, plays the most important role. Helping your working wife out with domestic chores and sharing the burden of parenting can really help," says Rishi Gupta, 29, who has a 5-year old son and shares as many responsibilities with his wife as he can. "Discuss with your own partner the role/responsibilities you would like your in-laws to take too," he adds.
Setting boundaries
Making a list of 'non-negotiables' can help a young couple deal with an extended family. "My husband and I had an inter-caste marriage, which his parents were against. We found that the best way to keep relations positive was to limit the number of visits we have with them and the time spent during those visits. Even though we felt bad about it initially, our relations have improved since then," says Manisha Thakur, 26.
Anjali adds, "Keeping personal topics out of bounds helps improve in-law relations too. My husband and I have a 'no-telling policy' when it comes to personal information that we feel can be used to control our lives. We simply avoid discussing subjects about which they could form a strong opinion."
Your in-laws could be anxious too
Even though a son's marriage is one of the most joyous moments in any parent's life, they also realise there is another person in his life who is going to be the centre of his attention. Sometimes, this can make parents feel vulnerable and be on the defensive, even without provocation. "Maybe this is why some mothers-in-law don't allow their daughters-in-law inside the kitchen for a long time as they are afraid of 'losing control'," feels Anjali. "Trust will take time to develop, but you must try and bridge the distance yourself."
How to build bridges
**Forge a strong bond with your husband. Sincerely focus on your relationship with your spouse and do whatever you can to strengthen your bond with him. Communication is the key. Also, try not to criticise your spouse's relationship with his parents, as it may only lead to bitterness
**Make an effort to know more about your in-laws, their lifestyle, and what they consider to be acceptable behaviour.
**Forge a personal bond with your in-laws. Try a few activities together and you may find that you have more in common with them than you thought.
**Be polite. "This doesn't mean you have to change your personality to please your in-laws, simply respect rules and traditions that are important to the older generation," says Manisha.
**If an in-law doesn't react positively to your well-intended gestures or comments, don't take it personally. "Just let it go when it happens. Then discuss solutions with your partner later," says Anjali.
**Consider alternatives. Try to compromise and be flexible, rather than not budging.
**Don't be swayed by stereotypes. Make an effort to observe and understand your in-laws, then deal with the situation.
**You might feel like an intruder in the house initially, but give it a few months and endear yourself to the family before making decisions or changes in the house. "If you act as if you're the boss right from the first day, your mother-in-law will definitely resent it," says Manisha.
**Take your in-laws out shopping and eat out with them once in a while. Laughter is a great binding agent, so rent DVDs of a few comedies and watch them together. Go over old photo albums together in your spare time.
The bottom line? If you have wonderful in-laws, give them a great big hug. If you don't, remember that you're not alone. Remain positive and try making the best out of your situation.
Husband's Perspective
Let's say you married recently, or plan to tie the knot in the near future.
Either way, welcoming your wife into her new home could prove to be tricky. You need to make her feel comfortable, while making sure you don't neglect your parents. Your new bride may feel intimidated by her in-laws during the transition, and this could lead to conflict. If this sounds worrying, relax. There's a lot you can do to bridge the gap.
First, identify the main problem areas that lead to in-law trouble. One, intrusiveness. "Some parents might meddle unintentionally, making the couple feel smothered or controlled. Even though they think they are demonstrating their love, they are not allowing the couple enough breathing space," says Dr Kanchan Misra, a Lucknow-based psychologist. "Some in-laws have difficulty letting go of their parental roles and offer unwanted advice," she continues. On the other hand, emotional distance could prove to be an issue. "Some parents seem cold, emotionally unavailable, or unfriendly," she adds.
Your role
"Let your parents know that you care, respect and love them. At the same time, be clear that you want to set the rules for your new family as well," says Anjali Singh, a 27-year old who has been married for three years. "When dealing with in-laws, it is preferable that the husband deal with his family, and the wife with hers. This is so because families can easily forgive their own family members," says Dr Misra, reiterating what other experts have often said.
Immediate family comes first
Sometimes, it is hard to achieve both objectives -- if a husband pleases his wife, he annoys his parents. If he tries to please his parents, his wife is displeased. The solution is to try and be objective.
"If your family is causing your spouse difficulty, you should confront family members involved and request them to stop. If they refuse, or aren't able to do so, protect your spouse and family unit by stepping away from those members and limiting your contact with them. Your spouse and immediate family come first. If the friction becomes unmanageable for some reason, it may be easier if the young couple have their own home," feels Dr Misra.
By giving your spouse and your marriage priority, you are choosing the adult role of being a husband over your role as a child in your parent's family. This gives your wife confidence in the marriage and encourages her to maintain good family ties. "I regard it as my duty to act as a buffer between my parents and wife. She shouldn't have to defend our personal decisions to my parents," agrees Girish Thakur, 29, married for the last three years.
Make the ground rules
Discuss ways to guard the privacy of your marriage with your wife, while maintaining close ties with the extended family. The following concerns should be addressed:
*When do you and your wife have exclusive time for each other?
*When do you spend time with your extended family?
*When do you involve your parents/in-laws in decision-making?
*Where should you discuss your marital conflicts: in private or in front of your in-laws?
"Don't allow room for your relatives and friends to interfere between the two of you. Try solving your problems among yourselves as much as possible. Avoid sharing the secrets of your household with friends or close relatives," says Dr Misra.
Bring your wife and parents closer
*Strengthen your role as a spouse. "Intrusiveness and other issues can be furthered by a spouse who is unaware or unwilling to deal with the problems," says Dr Misra. Although both you and your spouse love your parents, you must be more aligned with each other.
*"When arriving at a solution to your problems, be gentle but honest with your parents," says Girish.
*Decide, with your spouse, on the amount of time and money you give to each other's parents, and review your agreement as your parents/in-laws' requirements change.
*"Treat each other's parents as fairly as possible," says Dr Misra.
*Find mutually acceptable methods for each other's parents to get time with your children.
*Avoid making your spouse choose between her family and yourself.
*Assist in household responsibilities. "Discuss with your wife the role/responsibilities you would like yourself and your parents to take too, so she is not overburdened," says Rishi Gupta, 29, who has a 5-year old son and shares as many responsibilities with his wife as he can.
*Establishing boundaries and making a list of 'non-negotiables' can help a young couple deal with extended family.
*Make sure your wife gets to spend quality time with your parents. If you live away from your parents, make an effort to visit and call them often so your wife can get to know them.
*Make it a point to get on with her parents too. "Show respect and warm hospitality to your wife's family and friends," says Girish. Make an effort to get to know more about your in-laws. Visit or call them regularly.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
How to get financially organised
(By Rachna C, www.rediff.com)
When I was asked to do this piece, I could not help but smile. I am passionate about organising things. No kidding! I cannot bear to see anything in my house in a mess.
Sure, I have learnt to tolerate other people's messiness and even ignore it. But when it comes to myself, I cut no slack.
Here are some tips to help you get organised with your financial paperwork.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Now, I understand that being financially organised may mean different things to different people. So, I will just show you how I put my stuff in order.
To being with, I have four huge files: Tax, Banking, Investments, Other documents.
Tax
As the name indicates, all the papers I have to hand over the income tax department find their way here.
All the pending and past stuff is clubbed together in this file. All my photocopied documents of previous years' filed returns will be here. Returns of 2003-'04 will be in one big envelope, returns of 2004-'05 will be in another big envelope. Every year's returns is put in one big envelope and filed here.
If I have claimed a refund, the correspondence will be kept here.
My salary statements too are kept here.
Banking
Since I deal with two banks, I have a file for each. I keep both files in this one. If you find this too much of a bother, just dump it all together.
Over here, I have all the details related to my savings account, internet banking and phone banking. My cheque books are kept here.
My monthly statements are kept here. However, I submit them every year for filing my returns. Once I do that, they go into one of the above envelopes.
All my correspondence with the banks too are kept here.
I also keep my credit card related information here. In a separate folder, you guessed right. But this is not much since I do not revolve on my card and pay all my bills on time.
Investment
This is by far my largest file. Over here, I have all the details regarding my online trading account.
It has all the details relating to my demat account and regular statements on the balance in my demat account.
The paperwork of all the bonds and company fixed deposits that I have invested in, my life insurance policy papers, my medical insurance papers, my Public Provident Fund passbook and my National Savings Certificate.
Other documents
This is where I keep my marriage certificate, my birth certificate, school leaving certificate, and all other such related documents.
I also keep photocopies of my PAN card and passport here.
I do not have any loans, else I might have had a loan file. But my husband is servicing a home loan so he does keep such a file. This includes all the correspondence with the home loan company and a photocopy of all the documents lying with them.
And, yes, I have a file which has marked across it in huge letters 'TO DO'. Over here I keep all my current bills (newspaper, cell phone, society maintenance, electricity) that have to be paid. Or any urgent matter that has to be looked into.
Quick tips
* Keep photocopies of very important documents
* My PAN card, ration card, passport, election card, driver's license and other membership cards are all place in one box and kept in the cupboard. When my credit cards or debit cards are not in my wallet or bag, I keep them here.
* Always keep passport-sized photographs ready. You never know when you might need them.
* I go through my files only once in six months to pull out stuff I no longer need -- like old correspondence, etc.
* I mark the subject on the files so I can locate them easily
Alright, I may sound really fastidious. But the truth is, being organised ensures I never lose anything. And if I really need it in a hurry, I get it easily.
Even if all the above was too much, maybe you can start with at least one file.
Go on, sooner or later you will have to.
When I was asked to do this piece, I could not help but smile. I am passionate about organising things. No kidding! I cannot bear to see anything in my house in a mess.
Sure, I have learnt to tolerate other people's messiness and even ignore it. But when it comes to myself, I cut no slack.
Here are some tips to help you get organised with your financial paperwork.
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
Now, I understand that being financially organised may mean different things to different people. So, I will just show you how I put my stuff in order.
To being with, I have four huge files: Tax, Banking, Investments, Other documents.
Tax
As the name indicates, all the papers I have to hand over the income tax department find their way here.
All the pending and past stuff is clubbed together in this file. All my photocopied documents of previous years' filed returns will be here. Returns of 2003-'04 will be in one big envelope, returns of 2004-'05 will be in another big envelope. Every year's returns is put in one big envelope and filed here.
If I have claimed a refund, the correspondence will be kept here.
My salary statements too are kept here.
Banking
Since I deal with two banks, I have a file for each. I keep both files in this one. If you find this too much of a bother, just dump it all together.
Over here, I have all the details related to my savings account, internet banking and phone banking. My cheque books are kept here.
My monthly statements are kept here. However, I submit them every year for filing my returns. Once I do that, they go into one of the above envelopes.
All my correspondence with the banks too are kept here.
I also keep my credit card related information here. In a separate folder, you guessed right. But this is not much since I do not revolve on my card and pay all my bills on time.
Investment
This is by far my largest file. Over here, I have all the details regarding my online trading account.
It has all the details relating to my demat account and regular statements on the balance in my demat account.
The paperwork of all the bonds and company fixed deposits that I have invested in, my life insurance policy papers, my medical insurance papers, my Public Provident Fund passbook and my National Savings Certificate.
Other documents
This is where I keep my marriage certificate, my birth certificate, school leaving certificate, and all other such related documents.
I also keep photocopies of my PAN card and passport here.
I do not have any loans, else I might have had a loan file. But my husband is servicing a home loan so he does keep such a file. This includes all the correspondence with the home loan company and a photocopy of all the documents lying with them.
And, yes, I have a file which has marked across it in huge letters 'TO DO'. Over here I keep all my current bills (newspaper, cell phone, society maintenance, electricity) that have to be paid. Or any urgent matter that has to be looked into.
Quick tips
* Keep photocopies of very important documents
* My PAN card, ration card, passport, election card, driver's license and other membership cards are all place in one box and kept in the cupboard. When my credit cards or debit cards are not in my wallet or bag, I keep them here.
* Always keep passport-sized photographs ready. You never know when you might need them.
* I go through my files only once in six months to pull out stuff I no longer need -- like old correspondence, etc.
* I mark the subject on the files so I can locate them easily
Alright, I may sound really fastidious. But the truth is, being organised ensures I never lose anything. And if I really need it in a hurry, I get it easily.
Even if all the above was too much, maybe you can start with at least one file.
Go on, sooner or later you will have to.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Reverse Mortgage
(By Sanjay Matai, www.moneycontrol.com)
We are all aware of the mortgage or the housing loan that we avail of when we buy a house.
The value of a house is usually much higher than what we can afford today. By putting in some amount ourselves say around 15-20% and taking the balance from a bank as a home loan, we are able to buy our dream-house today.
This loan is then repaid to the bank together with the interest over say next 15-20 years, in the form of EMIs (equated monthly installment) i.e. a fixed amount every month.
Reverse mortgage, as the name suggests, is just the opposite. To put in very simple terms, herein you already own a house, which you mortgage to a bank. Against this, the bank pays you a fixed amount every month. In other words, the bank pays you an EMI, while you continue to stay in your house.
Therefore, unlike a home loan where you debt decrease with time, in reverse mortgage it increases as years go by - as both principal and interest increase with each payment your receive.
The important point to note here is that this loan is not repayable – at least not in cash. At the end of the mortgage period, the house becomes the property of the bank, which then sells it off and recovers its’ loan amount plus the interest from the sale proceeds.
There could, of course, be many variations to the above transaction. For example, instead of taking a fixed monthly amount you can get some amount as lump sum in the beginning. Or maybe a credit line could be set-up, against which you can draw money as and when needed. But the essential nature remains the same – you are selling your house in installments, while continuing to stay there.
Think from the perspective of old retired persons, who usually have a place to stay but not enough money to meet their day-to-day expenses. For them this option works beautifully. They get a monthly cash flow and live in comfort for say next 15-20 years, by which time they would have left for the heavenly abode. The bank then takes over the property for sale and recovery of their loan.
Therefore, by reverse mortgage we are converting a dead asset into a useful income.
National Housing Bank (NHB) has recently taken steps to introduce this product in India, though it is quite common in the US. This scheme would provide greater financial security for the elderly, especially those who either prefer or are forced to live independently in their twilight years. Now, they need not rely on their children or family or the government to support them.
This may prove to be a useful scheme in India, where more than 90% of the population does not enjoy any old-age benefits like pension or social security.
However, there are certain issues – operational, legal and emotional - which need to be sorted out, before the scheme can become popular.
Operational issues
NHB has to fix certain eligibility norms. One very obvious norm would be that you should the owner of the property (which is ideally debt-free) and you are residing in it.
Apart from this there could be age criteria. For example, in US the person must be at least 62 yrs of age to be eligible to borrow under reverse mortgage. Further, older homeowners get larger amount of loan vis-à-vis the younger borrowers.
Interest rate would be another criterion. The loan tenure is another tricky issue. NHB has proposed a maximum of 15 years; which is a debatable issue. What happens if the owners survive this period? Does the borrower get evicted?
Then, there would be the issue of valuation and the maximum percentage of age that the bank would be willing to finance.
Financing fees, insurance, maintenance, property taxes etc. would be the other minor issues that would need ironing out.
Legal issues
The necessary regulations have to be put in place. This would require new laws apart from amending some of the existing ones such as the NHB Act, RBI Act, etc.
Besides, there is a tax angle to all this. Should this amount received from the bank be treated as income (and hence taxable) or a loan (therefore, no tax)?
Further, as the experience in US shows, mortgage insurance would become important. This would protect the bank in case there is a shortfall in the sale proceeds vis-à-vis the loan amount. Otherwise, it is the lender, which bears the loss. The borrower is not asked to pay the difference, if any. Nor can he be forcibly evicted.
Emotional issues
A house is considered to be a very dear asset in India. It has a very high emotional value attached to it. Therefore, creating a debt on it will require a big change in the present mindset.
Also, house is something, which one usually leaves behind as a legacy for ones’ children. Therefore, to give it away to a bank would be another mindset hurdle to overcome.
Reverse mortgage is a new product and there are bound to be some teething problems. Not withstanding all the above issues, which seem quite challenging, the reverse mortgage is a product, which offers an option to the old people to continue to live with dignity.
Note:-Dewan Housing Finance Corporation has very recently launched one such scheme. A home owner of 60 yrs or more will be eligible to receive EMI for 15 years @12% i.e. for every Rs.1 lakh of property value, bank pays an EMI of Rs.205/month. Further, on survival after 15 years, the owner continues to stay, while the loan accrues interest @12% p.a.
rodhokar
We are all aware of the mortgage or the housing loan that we avail of when we buy a house.
The value of a house is usually much higher than what we can afford today. By putting in some amount ourselves say around 15-20% and taking the balance from a bank as a home loan, we are able to buy our dream-house today.
This loan is then repaid to the bank together with the interest over say next 15-20 years, in the form of EMIs (equated monthly installment) i.e. a fixed amount every month.
Reverse mortgage, as the name suggests, is just the opposite. To put in very simple terms, herein you already own a house, which you mortgage to a bank. Against this, the bank pays you a fixed amount every month. In other words, the bank pays you an EMI, while you continue to stay in your house.
Therefore, unlike a home loan where you debt decrease with time, in reverse mortgage it increases as years go by - as both principal and interest increase with each payment your receive.
The important point to note here is that this loan is not repayable – at least not in cash. At the end of the mortgage period, the house becomes the property of the bank, which then sells it off and recovers its’ loan amount plus the interest from the sale proceeds.
There could, of course, be many variations to the above transaction. For example, instead of taking a fixed monthly amount you can get some amount as lump sum in the beginning. Or maybe a credit line could be set-up, against which you can draw money as and when needed. But the essential nature remains the same – you are selling your house in installments, while continuing to stay there.
Think from the perspective of old retired persons, who usually have a place to stay but not enough money to meet their day-to-day expenses. For them this option works beautifully. They get a monthly cash flow and live in comfort for say next 15-20 years, by which time they would have left for the heavenly abode. The bank then takes over the property for sale and recovery of their loan.
Therefore, by reverse mortgage we are converting a dead asset into a useful income.
National Housing Bank (NHB) has recently taken steps to introduce this product in India, though it is quite common in the US. This scheme would provide greater financial security for the elderly, especially those who either prefer or are forced to live independently in their twilight years. Now, they need not rely on their children or family or the government to support them.
This may prove to be a useful scheme in India, where more than 90% of the population does not enjoy any old-age benefits like pension or social security.
However, there are certain issues – operational, legal and emotional - which need to be sorted out, before the scheme can become popular.
Operational issues
NHB has to fix certain eligibility norms. One very obvious norm would be that you should the owner of the property (which is ideally debt-free) and you are residing in it.
Apart from this there could be age criteria. For example, in US the person must be at least 62 yrs of age to be eligible to borrow under reverse mortgage. Further, older homeowners get larger amount of loan vis-à-vis the younger borrowers.
Interest rate would be another criterion. The loan tenure is another tricky issue. NHB has proposed a maximum of 15 years; which is a debatable issue. What happens if the owners survive this period? Does the borrower get evicted?
Then, there would be the issue of valuation and the maximum percentage of age that the bank would be willing to finance.
Financing fees, insurance, maintenance, property taxes etc. would be the other minor issues that would need ironing out.
Legal issues
The necessary regulations have to be put in place. This would require new laws apart from amending some of the existing ones such as the NHB Act, RBI Act, etc.
Besides, there is a tax angle to all this. Should this amount received from the bank be treated as income (and hence taxable) or a loan (therefore, no tax)?
Further, as the experience in US shows, mortgage insurance would become important. This would protect the bank in case there is a shortfall in the sale proceeds vis-à-vis the loan amount. Otherwise, it is the lender, which bears the loss. The borrower is not asked to pay the difference, if any. Nor can he be forcibly evicted.
Emotional issues
A house is considered to be a very dear asset in India. It has a very high emotional value attached to it. Therefore, creating a debt on it will require a big change in the present mindset.
Also, house is something, which one usually leaves behind as a legacy for ones’ children. Therefore, to give it away to a bank would be another mindset hurdle to overcome.
Reverse mortgage is a new product and there are bound to be some teething problems. Not withstanding all the above issues, which seem quite challenging, the reverse mortgage is a product, which offers an option to the old people to continue to live with dignity.
Note:-Dewan Housing Finance Corporation has very recently launched one such scheme. A home owner of 60 yrs or more will be eligible to receive EMI for 15 years @12% i.e. for every Rs.1 lakh of property value, bank pays an EMI of Rs.205/month. Further, on survival after 15 years, the owner continues to stay, while the loan accrues interest @12% p.a.
rodhokar
Monday, July 24, 2006
The truth about sex
(by Rashmi Bansal, www.rediff.com)
My daughter casually asked me last evening," Mummy, did you have a boyfriend in college?"
I was -- let me admit -- a bit taken aback.
Of course, I have always told myself, I will be open and frank in discussing anything and everything with her. I won't ho-hum when it's time to have the 'conversation' my mom attempted when it was rather too late. Not that it was actually a conversation.
The gist of the mother-knows-best lecture was: "Boys want only one thing... be careful... save yourself for marriage..." Wisdom from a different time and era, that addressed none of the *real* issues.
So I'm glad she can ask me such questions without a hint of embarrassment. But at 5 years and 10 months of age? Um, I wasn't quite prepared...
Still, I decided to be truthful and said "Yes."
But it didn't stop at that. "What was his name?" she wanted to know.
Here, I ducked -- for now -- by claiming, "I've forgotten his name, beta.... " and she didn't pursue the matter any further.
Why did I lie? Because I really don't have good memories of that first boyfriend. But the relationship did teach me some important lessons that I shall, from time to time, attempt to imprint into her impressionable young head.
It's all about respect
I think the immediate stimulus for Nivedita's 'boyfriend' question was a conversation the RJs were having on the FM radio station we happened to be tuned to:
RJ 1: "Aapka favourite college kaun sa tha (Which was your favourite college)"?
RJ 2: "Mine was Podar."
RJ 1: "Why?"
RJ 2: "Because of the girls, yaar!"
In Nivedita's mind, going to college and having a boyfriend are becoming firmly interconnected. And no, she doesn't mean 'friend who is a boy' (which she has plenty of, already).
This college = boyfriend equation is something picked up from the movies and television she's been exposed to. Not that I don't try to make sure she watches stuff 'appropriate for her age' but hell, even Popeye and Mickey Mouse have girlfriends...
What I want her to internalise is this: It's wonderful if you do happen to meet and vibe with someone in a special way when you join college. And it's perfectly okay if you don't. And that 'everyone has a boyfriend' is not the right reason, at all.
I, for one, know I was in love with the idea of being in love. My first foray into Boyfriendland was an absolute disaster! The bloke was a good looking, crew cut NDA cadet and had a nice bike. But he was an absolute ditz in the IQ and ethics department.
Yet, even when I knew he wasn't quite the guy I should be wasting my time on, it was very hard to break up. Because 'someone' is better than 'no one'.
Which is wrong. 'No one' is better than a relationship that lacks respect.
You might think that this is something everyone knows, but I see many young people stuck in these kind of relationships -- justifying them for this very same reason.
The greatest love of all, as Whitney Houston once sang, is learning to love yourself. And that, dear Nivedita, is what I want for you before you go out and find yourself a boyfriend...
And yes, boys do really want 'only one thing'… I know that statement is going to draw a lot of flak so here's a more scientific explanation.
In the beginning
God -- whichever one you believe in -- created a virus in the image of man. And woman. Now the trick to spreading the virus quickly and effectively was to have it replicate on its own.
So He invented sex. Yes, I will refer to God as 'He' because I think our Creator must have been a guy. Had it been a woman, She certainly would've given us periods annually -- not every month!
But you see, God's primary motive in adding the sex angle was not pleasure but reproduction. The fact that it was pleasurable offered the necessary incentive to undertake the activity.
As an added safety feature, God gave man a reproductive organ with a mind of its own. One that did not always and necessarily obey the commands from the High Command.
This hardwiring has complicated life for Modern Day Man. Say you meet a nice girl, and there is a mutual attraction. The High Command says, Wait! Take it easy. Get to know her. Be a gentleman.
But whether he likes it or not, the 'reproduce' circuit is also switched on and it sends really powerful signals...
Doesn't this also happen to women? Well, some believe it did in the Caveman era, but centuries of social conditioning, Mills & Boon novels and mushy films have had their evil effect. It does look, though, that God must have wired us differently to begin with.
First of all, since women were the ones stuck with the unwanted side effect -- "Badhaai ho, aap maa banne waali hain (Congratulations, you are going to become a mother)" -- they were bound to be much more cautious and see a big red STOP sign.
Advances in birth control have partially taken care of that factor, but it goes deeper.
What women want
The latest on the subject is that, after eight years of tests involving 3,000 women, Pfizer, the company behind Viagra, has abandoned efforts to prove that the drug works for females too.
'It is the confirmation that men have long dreaded. Scientists have concluded that women achieve most sexual satisfaction through the stimulation of their brain and not any other organ...'
The company's exhaustive research has led to the conclusion that men and women have a fundamentally different relationship between arousal and desire. A women's arousal is triggered by a network of emotional, intellectual and relationship-based factors rather than the simple physical response required by a man.
'While a man's arousal almost always led to a desire for sex, there was no such obvious corresponding factor with women... Men consistently get erections in the presence of naked women and want to have sex. With women, things depend on a myriad of factors.'
In early trials where women were dosed with Viagra while watching erotic videos, the drug appeared to work. But further studies found that even though Viagra induced a greater pelvic blood flow, the women did not feel substantially more aroused. Therefore, Pfizer is now concentrating on finding drugs that affect a woman's brain chemistry.
The fact that the earth only moves for women if they think it does comes as no surprise to many leading female sexologists.
As one op-ed writer who was less-than-impressed observed: 'It has long been held in these circles that a woman has an emotional libido. The only surprise has been that it has taken many hours of research and thousands of pounds to conclude something that is blindingly obvious...'
That's why the whole porn industry is geared towards men and the romance industry towards women! As the old saying goes: girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get sex.
'The One Thing'
The point is that a girl needs affection, understanding and emotion -- after which sex may follow.
However, many young women end up having a physical relationship hoping to get their core needs fulfilled later. Only to find that doesn't always happen. And when it doesn't, it's extremely hurtful and demeaning.
Because the guy may actually just be scratching his reproductive itch, and have no emotions for her to begin with.
Now you may argue that sex will lead to an emotional bonding. Possible, but dicey. Guys do have a concept of women who they will sleep around or 'have fun' with, and women who 'mean more'.
Women for whom they feel something in their brains and not just in their briefs.
Even in more 'liberated' countries, the casual and meaningless sexual encounter may be common but not necessarily fulfilling for the woman. A recent report from the UK reveals that, despite the fact that both men and women experience their first intercourse at age 16, there remain gender differences in the experience of the event.
Women are twice as likely as men to regret their first experience of intercourse and three times as likely to report being the less willing partner.
Something to keep in mind before you make your decision...
And finally...
Coming back to my original bit of advice for Nivedita: Make sure your boyfriend respects you and loves you for who you are, not just how you look.
And if I ever have a son I will tell him the same, although in a slightly different way: Make sure your girlfriend is someone you would feel proud enough to bring home and introduce to me.
Someone who makes you feel good -- and feels good.
Not that you won't make mistakes, like I did.
But it helps to know what it is you're really looking for … before setting off to find it in the first place.
rodhokar
My daughter casually asked me last evening," Mummy, did you have a boyfriend in college?"
I was -- let me admit -- a bit taken aback.
Of course, I have always told myself, I will be open and frank in discussing anything and everything with her. I won't ho-hum when it's time to have the 'conversation' my mom attempted when it was rather too late. Not that it was actually a conversation.
The gist of the mother-knows-best lecture was: "Boys want only one thing... be careful... save yourself for marriage..." Wisdom from a different time and era, that addressed none of the *real* issues.
So I'm glad she can ask me such questions without a hint of embarrassment. But at 5 years and 10 months of age? Um, I wasn't quite prepared...
Still, I decided to be truthful and said "Yes."
But it didn't stop at that. "What was his name?" she wanted to know.
Here, I ducked -- for now -- by claiming, "I've forgotten his name, beta.... " and she didn't pursue the matter any further.
Why did I lie? Because I really don't have good memories of that first boyfriend. But the relationship did teach me some important lessons that I shall, from time to time, attempt to imprint into her impressionable young head.
It's all about respect
I think the immediate stimulus for Nivedita's 'boyfriend' question was a conversation the RJs were having on the FM radio station we happened to be tuned to:
RJ 1: "Aapka favourite college kaun sa tha (Which was your favourite college)"?
RJ 2: "Mine was Podar."
RJ 1: "Why?"
RJ 2: "Because of the girls, yaar!"
In Nivedita's mind, going to college and having a boyfriend are becoming firmly interconnected. And no, she doesn't mean 'friend who is a boy' (which she has plenty of, already).
This college = boyfriend equation is something picked up from the movies and television she's been exposed to. Not that I don't try to make sure she watches stuff 'appropriate for her age' but hell, even Popeye and Mickey Mouse have girlfriends...
What I want her to internalise is this: It's wonderful if you do happen to meet and vibe with someone in a special way when you join college. And it's perfectly okay if you don't. And that 'everyone has a boyfriend' is not the right reason, at all.
I, for one, know I was in love with the idea of being in love. My first foray into Boyfriendland was an absolute disaster! The bloke was a good looking, crew cut NDA cadet and had a nice bike. But he was an absolute ditz in the IQ and ethics department.
Yet, even when I knew he wasn't quite the guy I should be wasting my time on, it was very hard to break up. Because 'someone' is better than 'no one'.
Which is wrong. 'No one' is better than a relationship that lacks respect.
You might think that this is something everyone knows, but I see many young people stuck in these kind of relationships -- justifying them for this very same reason.
The greatest love of all, as Whitney Houston once sang, is learning to love yourself. And that, dear Nivedita, is what I want for you before you go out and find yourself a boyfriend...
And yes, boys do really want 'only one thing'… I know that statement is going to draw a lot of flak so here's a more scientific explanation.
In the beginning
God -- whichever one you believe in -- created a virus in the image of man. And woman. Now the trick to spreading the virus quickly and effectively was to have it replicate on its own.
So He invented sex. Yes, I will refer to God as 'He' because I think our Creator must have been a guy. Had it been a woman, She certainly would've given us periods annually -- not every month!
But you see, God's primary motive in adding the sex angle was not pleasure but reproduction. The fact that it was pleasurable offered the necessary incentive to undertake the activity.
As an added safety feature, God gave man a reproductive organ with a mind of its own. One that did not always and necessarily obey the commands from the High Command.
This hardwiring has complicated life for Modern Day Man. Say you meet a nice girl, and there is a mutual attraction. The High Command says, Wait! Take it easy. Get to know her. Be a gentleman.
But whether he likes it or not, the 'reproduce' circuit is also switched on and it sends really powerful signals...
Doesn't this also happen to women? Well, some believe it did in the Caveman era, but centuries of social conditioning, Mills & Boon novels and mushy films have had their evil effect. It does look, though, that God must have wired us differently to begin with.
First of all, since women were the ones stuck with the unwanted side effect -- "Badhaai ho, aap maa banne waali hain (Congratulations, you are going to become a mother)" -- they were bound to be much more cautious and see a big red STOP sign.
Advances in birth control have partially taken care of that factor, but it goes deeper.
What women want
The latest on the subject is that, after eight years of tests involving 3,000 women, Pfizer, the company behind Viagra, has abandoned efforts to prove that the drug works for females too.
'It is the confirmation that men have long dreaded. Scientists have concluded that women achieve most sexual satisfaction through the stimulation of their brain and not any other organ...'
The company's exhaustive research has led to the conclusion that men and women have a fundamentally different relationship between arousal and desire. A women's arousal is triggered by a network of emotional, intellectual and relationship-based factors rather than the simple physical response required by a man.
'While a man's arousal almost always led to a desire for sex, there was no such obvious corresponding factor with women... Men consistently get erections in the presence of naked women and want to have sex. With women, things depend on a myriad of factors.'
In early trials where women were dosed with Viagra while watching erotic videos, the drug appeared to work. But further studies found that even though Viagra induced a greater pelvic blood flow, the women did not feel substantially more aroused. Therefore, Pfizer is now concentrating on finding drugs that affect a woman's brain chemistry.
The fact that the earth only moves for women if they think it does comes as no surprise to many leading female sexologists.
As one op-ed writer who was less-than-impressed observed: 'It has long been held in these circles that a woman has an emotional libido. The only surprise has been that it has taken many hours of research and thousands of pounds to conclude something that is blindingly obvious...'
That's why the whole porn industry is geared towards men and the romance industry towards women! As the old saying goes: girls use sex to get love, and guys use love to get sex.
'The One Thing'
The point is that a girl needs affection, understanding and emotion -- after which sex may follow.
However, many young women end up having a physical relationship hoping to get their core needs fulfilled later. Only to find that doesn't always happen. And when it doesn't, it's extremely hurtful and demeaning.
Because the guy may actually just be scratching his reproductive itch, and have no emotions for her to begin with.
Now you may argue that sex will lead to an emotional bonding. Possible, but dicey. Guys do have a concept of women who they will sleep around or 'have fun' with, and women who 'mean more'.
Women for whom they feel something in their brains and not just in their briefs.
Even in more 'liberated' countries, the casual and meaningless sexual encounter may be common but not necessarily fulfilling for the woman. A recent report from the UK reveals that, despite the fact that both men and women experience their first intercourse at age 16, there remain gender differences in the experience of the event.
Women are twice as likely as men to regret their first experience of intercourse and three times as likely to report being the less willing partner.
Something to keep in mind before you make your decision...
And finally...
Coming back to my original bit of advice for Nivedita: Make sure your boyfriend respects you and loves you for who you are, not just how you look.
And if I ever have a son I will tell him the same, although in a slightly different way: Make sure your girlfriend is someone you would feel proud enough to bring home and introduce to me.
Someone who makes you feel good -- and feels good.
Not that you won't make mistakes, like I did.
But it helps to know what it is you're really looking for … before setting off to find it in the first place.
rodhokar
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